


so many things

by clockworkouroboros



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio), Gallifrey (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, just boatloads of angst, technically
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-09-01 22:57:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20265874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clockworkouroboros/pseuds/clockworkouroboros
Summary: Narvin has found Leela. It’s his turn to play rescuer, and on a hostile world with no backup, Narvin can’t allow emotions to get in his way.





	so many things

**Author's Note:**

> Partially inspired by the song Goodbye by Cage the Elephant.

He sees her on this world, just a glimpse, before she’s pulled away somewhere, and Narvin’s hearts die a little bit within his chest. He can’t call out to her, can’t say her name, can’t let her know that he’s here and he’ll save her, and damn the consequences.

He has to remain invisible.

If he doesn’t, all of this will be for nothing. Leela can’t know he’s here, or she’ll accidentally alert people to his presence. She’ll be shocked and say his name, and then it will be over for him. And he doesn’t have the luxury of backup.

He sees her on this world, and he cries, tears spilling out and down his cheeks before he can do anything to stop them. All he can do is wipe them away quickly, before anyone sees. Anyone showing emotion stands out from a crowd.

He has to remain invisible.

If he doesn’t, he’ll be found out, and if he’s found out, his fate will be worse than death. Narvin always thought the Oubliette of Eternity was the worst punishment the universe had ever seen. Of course, Narvin had never lived through a Time War.

Or maybe he has, and he just doesn’t know. Wars involving time are tricky that way. Regardless, he doesn’t recall experiencing a Time War, so he’ll assume he’s never lived through one. Before now, of course. He wishes he didn’t have to live through this one.

He sees her on this world, and she is beautiful. Her tangled red hair spills out over her shoulders and her eyes are wide, watchful. Wary. Like a hunted animal, instead of the strong hunter he once knew. But even a changed Leela still has echoes of the same woman she once was, and the moment he sees her, his hearts jump into his throat just at the sight of her standing there, pale and chained. He wants to run up to her and embrace her, just to make sure she’s really real. But he can’t.

He has to remain invisible.

If he doesn’t… Well. It won’t be a pretty sight for him.

He sees her on this world, and just before she is pulled out of sight, she sees him. Their eyes meet, and hers widen. Narvin can see the bright blue of her eyes from all the way across the room.

A smile lights up her face, and suddenly she is the same Leela that he knew and loved, the same Leela who got onto that TARDIS with the Master all those years ago, the same Leela who has cared for him and watched his back for all these years.

He couldn’t remain invisible.

She shouts his name joyously, her voice clear and full of excitement, and Narvin is at the same time more overjoyed than he thought he could ever be again, and mortified that he’s been seen. He can’t be seen. He has to remain invisible.

But it’s too late for that now, and people are already turning to look at him, the man their prisoner is happy to see. Any friend of Leela’s is an enemy to them.

He sees her on this world, and he knows he shouldn’t have. He didn’t need to see her before rescuing her, he could have done it based on his intelligence reports and his knowledge of the place she’s being imprisoned. He could have gotten her out without it and they could have celebrated later, been reunited properly. He could have properly embraced her.

Now all he has are the phantoms of what might have been.

He was too impatient, too needy, too eager to see her. It made him make bad decisions, act rashly. It pains Narvin to admit it, even to himself, that he acted without thinking. He prides himself on his ability to think through every situation and then make the smartest choice based on that. And he didn’t do it when it mattered most.

He doesn’t even put up a fight when guards appear, seemingly from nowhere, and grab him. It hasn’t sunk in yet that he’s failed, that he won’t be able to rescue Leela.

They drag him to a cell, and he wonders if it’s anywhere near the one Leela’s being kept in. He doesn’t think about more useful things, like security details or the route there. He just lets himself be led there, like some sort of lovestruck fool.

When he’s thrown into the cell by the guards and the door locked, it finally begins to sink in that he’s lost, that he has  _ failed _ the one person he swore to himself he’d never fail again. He lost her when she stepped into that TARDIS with the Master, and he knew he could never let something like that happen again. And it just did.

And Narvin screams, the heart-rending screams of someone whose very soul is being trampled underfoot. He collapses to the ground and screams, for once not caring that he’s showing emotion.

Narvin is a good Time Lord. He doesn’t show emotion. At least, he tries not to. And now, now that he’s showing all of those emotions that he’s feeling, the ones that are most tender, most raw, now he understands. These things are terrible to feel. Time Lords suppress their emotion because emotions hurt. They force the worst sort of introspection, the kind that actually leads to change, and it hurts worse than any sort of torture that Narvin’s been through over the years. 

He murmurs her name in the breaths between screams, over and over and over again.  _ Leela. Leela. Leela. Leela.  _ He says it like it’s some sort of prayer, and maybe it is. It’s the one person Narvin has on this world, the only person he can have faith in. And now she’s gone, gone forever.

Narvin knows the punishment for if he’s found on this world. He knows what will happen to him, what could happen to Leela. He has no backup. He has no hope. He only has Leela, and even that is only his memories. He can’t imagine he’ll ever see her again.

He slams his fists against the door, the tears still wet on his face, and he’s pleading, begging, nearly groveling at the door to be let out. He’s lost all dignity, but he doesn’t care. He can’t go through this, not alone. He needs Leela. Aren’t prisoners given a last request? Why can’t he use his to be with her?

But this is wartime. The guards are used to prisoners, and they’re used to being heartless. He can suffer the consequences of his actions, as far as they’re concerned. Leela is a prisoner, too, and she doesn’t get any special requests.

He collapses, his back against the door, and he calms himself down, wiping away the tears on his face, bottling those emotions back up, keeping himself from breaking down like that again.

He only wishes he could have been invisible.


End file.
